[rant] THE HEMLINES ARE TOO DAMN HIGH

well i'm stumped.

the gap cancelled my order on the dress i intended to wear to my bridal shower this weekend and now it's between some emergency laundry with creative accessorizing and a trip to the mall.

in case anyone wants to know: i hate the mall.  a florescent, barren wasteland of middle schoolers, elderly-mall-walkers and strollers create an obstacle course between my favorite stores, which are always in opposite ends of the loud, echoing jungle of aggressive kiosk salespeople, and noxious smells of sbarro pizza.

it's not even like i really left this dress hunt to the last minute.  it's just that after spending weeks surfing various websites looking for a dress that could save me from the mall condemnation into retail hell, i have made an alarming discovery.

did you know that all dresses are maxi dresses now?  it's true.  because i'm pretty sure everything that doesn't qualify as a maxi dress is really just an overlong shirt nowadays.  finding a knee length dress, or pretty much anything that hits below the upper thigh is an exercise in great patience now that spring/summer fashion is here.

now yes, this is partially a complaint rendered by the fact that i have a longer torso and a bubble butt, which means that anything meant to hit above mid-thigh is essentially pornographic on me.  and yes i am aware there do exist SOME (usually overpriced, high necked or long sleeved) dresses that do not look like they are made for toddlers, but i'm beginning to come to the conclusion that fashion designers nowadays think if you want a hemline below the crotch you probably want a full burqua or you're one of those "classy snobs with hundreds of dollars to spend on a single sundress."

but seriously world, when did we think that the definition of summer dress should mean "crotchless panties with matching top sewn on."  am i the only person in the world who likes to sit down without my underwear serving as the only barrier between my body parts and the chair seat?  am i destined to wear leggings year round?  what does a girl have to do to reveal her knees and hide her privates while wearing floral print?