to get a life or to not get a life that is the question

from blogging, and from basic observation of self and surroundings, i've noticed that i tend to switch between two modes:  a.) too much going on to juggle it all and b.) bored, idle, and lazy.

now the self improvement police would inevitably argue that this observation calls for an overhaul of my organizational strategies, and an establishment of methods and routines that can always keep me occupied  without laboring me with episodes of stress.

shut up self improvement police, you don't know me.  step off.

this week has already guaranteed itself as a weird one since it is the first time i'm alone at steve's and my place.  so far it's way less awesome than being with steve at steve's and my place.  since his departure on sunday afternoon, i have watched the entire third season of downton abbey (good and all, but unfortunately too slow between all the moments of tragedy... let's be honest, who really cares about bates enough to make up for killing off sybil and matthew? not me).  

i have also let the apartment turn into a total and complete dump.  it's funny how long stretches of my free time all get filled up immediately, but the short breaks in between turn into completely useless dead time.  well, i suppose not completely useless.  i fixed our tub drain and cleaned bert's litter box.  i also "fixed" my laptop for about 24 hours by doing a system restore.  this clearly wasn't the way to go, because now the laptop can't boot up.  yay.  sadly, this means those pictures of chicago and san diego are going to stay floating around in the world of someday-i'll-post-them.

it's just one of those unpleasant times where life layers a heap of guilt and anxiety, about everything that isn't getting done, on top of what should be a nice quiet week.

and since i don't need an extra reminder of everything i'm not accomplishing, i'm not going to bother posting my word count.  i'm not even sure what it is because i lost a couple hundred words to a computer that won't turn on.  *mope*

a little bit of us and stuff

i remember reading a story when i was young about a woman who poured an egg white into a glass of water.  she told four little girls they could see their futures in the swirling movement within the glass.

i wish i could look beyond the thin clear layer to see what will happen in the next few weeks.  or months.

but for now i feel suspended like the egg white.

not floating in the free unknown, but hanging.  surrounded by something that is not the same as me.  distorting myself in attempts to understand what will someday be.

ironically, the four little girls from that story became the spokespeople that drove the antiquated massacre known as the salem witch trials.  their testimony resulted in the deaths of over one hundred people.

i am tired of waiting,

i am tired of worrying.

i am tired of not knowing.